You Are Selfish: Deal With It!
If I asked you, what is your most fundamental concern in life, what would be your answer?
You might answer “Oh, my children and family are my life, and my most important concern” – wrong!
You may answer, “My career is the most fundamental concern of my life” – wrong!
You may even answer “Helping others is my primary interest in life, this is why I was born into this world” – again wrong!
These are all very worthy causes for existing but they mask the real fundamental concern in your own life, yourself.
To most, admitting that your primary interest in life is yourself, seems wrong, narcissistic and selfish but isn’t denying the truth worse?
Let’s go over the answers:
My children and family are my life
My children and my family are my primary concern in life – well the real answer lies hidden within this statement, ‘my’ children and ‘my’ family. Of course you may love and want the best for your children and family, but look at why you chose to have children and a family in the first place.
You chose to have children and a family to satisfy your own need or want. You didn’t sit there one day and think, “Hmmm, I would like to have kids because there is an unborn child waiting to come into this world who will need a parent” or “I really need to get on with structuring a family, because there is a person out there (my soul mate) who needs one, and who also feels there is an unborn child waiting, in need of parents”.
You wanted to have children and a family to satisfy your own want or need for that child or family. What you really wanted was satisfaction for yourself; you were looking out for number one.
My career is the most fundamental concern of my life
This one is a little easier to grasp in terms of admitting you are the primary benefactor of such an answer.
In holding your career as the most fundamental concern in your life, are you admitting that you crave the position in society your career can give you? Does this career give you the respect you feel you deserve and the standing in society which has others recognising your greatness and prestige?
You’re seeking recognition for the purposes of being seen to be powerful or outstanding in some way in your chosen field and therefore in society. All non-selfless reasons, meaning you’re looking out for number one.
Helping others is my primary interest in life
Can you see that by wanting to help others you are still satisfying your own need? You may be compelled to help others because you feel it’s a worthy thing to do with your life, it may be born of tradition or ideology, or you may just enjoy the feeling you get when you reach out to people.
Either way you are still satisfying your own needs and wants by helping others, it brings you a wonderful feeling of satisfaction, so you’re being driven by satisfying yourself, you are looking out for number one.
Does True Selflessness Exist?
Take a volunteer of a very worthy cause, they offer their time, with no financial payment, to the cause of their choice.
This would seem like a truly selfless act upon which they would be seen as a selfless giver with no interest in gain for them self.
However, to sustain their interest in volunteering they must be ‘getting something out of it’. So what is it they gain from such a seemingly selfless act?
They may gain self-esteem, self confidence, worthiness, feeling they are needed or any other number of emotional ‘payoffs’ which motivated them to volunteer in the first place.
We look out for ourselves first and foremost, and this can be seen in all aspects of our lives.
We don’t enter into relationships with our partners because of the happiness it will fulfil in them; we enter into relationships because of the good feelings, well being and happiness it fulfils in us.
We don’t have friends because we are concerned there are people in the world who need friends, we have them because being friends with certain people offer us something we are looking for, be that human connection, a sympathetic ear or someone we can relate to.
Even giving to charity gives us a redeemable feeling of well being, which we cash in as soon as we flick that coin into the collection tin.
There are tales of acts in crisis which could be interpreted as pure acts of selflessness, for example, a family which harbours a Jewish person during the German occupation in WW2, effectively putting their own lives at risk to help another human being.
Or people who relinquish their own lives to save another, whilst a disaster ensues around them, making the ultimate sacrifice.
These would seem like truly selfless acts and of course they may be just that. In times of life altering circumstances we are often not given the choices we have in usual day to day life. We have to react to the conditions around us at that time, so is this when true selflessness can exist?
Is Selfishness So Bad?
I can see that few acts are truly selfless, there is always a selfish connotation to most decisions we make, so, would it be so bad to recognise this fact and openly state it.
I think it would show honesty we rarely see from people, as I don’t believe looking out for yourself is a bad thing.
Creating a balance of selfishness and selflessness is, in my eyes, the only way to be congruent with our true selves and the world around us. Stating that you show no signs of selfishness is not only incorrect, you are lying to yourself.
There exists a selfish – selfless scale we are all on, sliding to far one way gives you the title of being considered a selfish person by others, sliding the other way gives you the altruistic title. Selfishness exists, whether accepted or not, so embrace it, recognise it and don’t feel bad about it.
We all want our own needs met, and having them met by trading off is one way we accomplish this. Ensuring a healthy balance of giving and taking is normal, so next time you give selflessly think about what you are gaining in return.
Maybe we should try and ignore the negative undertone in the word selfish, and see it for what it is, a natural component of our daily lives.
Read more Personal Development Articles at Angus Finlayson’s free personal growth and development resources. Together building self-awareness for a better understanding of life. – The URL to this article can be found at http://www.angusfinlayson.com/2011/01/youre-selfish-deal-with-it/
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God Bless Your Success,
Alpha Bizelli Marketing & PR, Inc. – Passion Over Hype
and I ran across this very thought provoking short story in which I’m going to share with you.
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